Sunday, 15 May 2011

Religion: Of A Mollusc

Probably fuelled by too much lager and too little ale I wondered about strange things on Friday...

The question at hand then is can, and indeed does, a mollusc have a religion, and if yes, what kind of religion would that be? Islam, Christianity, some pagan stuff? I have immediately rejected the obviousness of ancient Greek paganism with it's Poseidon the god of the sea (let alone the copycat Roman Neptune). Such an obvious answer to such a deep question can only be the work of the relevant molluscan deity, or at least its vicious and evil counterpart. After all, if Christian god has its devil, then why not the same for molluscs? Surely they're worthy of a bit more complex religion? Anyway, if anything, this initial musing only strengthened my conviction that molluscs do indeed have a religion. How else to explain my, usually straightforward, thought processes being led down such windy paths (unless it was the lager, of course, but I don't think so).

Now, you may wonder how my staunch atheism can be compatible with this particular line of thought.
After all am I not implicitly admitting to the truth of gods and religion by assuming that mollusc's own religion is messing with my head? Do I really believe there is a god but I just choose to deny the fact? No, no, and thrice no! You do not, in fact, need a god to exist (or a devil, for that matter) for religion to mess with your head - even if you are an atheist. This is because the very existence of the idea of a religion makes people waste their brains on thinking about it. And we all know what happens when you let your brain think about something - it runs away with it and creates a whole new world for you to get lost into. Just like I got lost in the world of a mollusc's religion. Which of course can't exist, because there is no god, of molluscs or men.


After all, if there were one of molluscs, it would probably prevent me from devouring the poor creature in front of me, irreverently disposing of the shell along with all sorts of other rubbish (used sanitary pads, beer cans, some lettuce, beer cans, broken toothpicks, beer cans, some chicken bones, beer cans, ... you get the picture). Or at least it would have punished me for being such a monster (even if I would have presumably be His creature and being hungry deserving of being fed). Maybe I would choke on a splinter from those chicken bones? Or even on a toothpick, broken or not?

Or maybe, in His infinite wisdom the mollusc god punished me in advance by making me want lager instead of ale? Now that would be one cool god! I wonder how Christians and others haven't thought of this yet? God, being omniscient, of course knows in advance that you will sin. How could he not since being omnipotent, and omniscient, he never did anything to stop you in the first place. Talk about seeing a rail crash developing and not switching the tracks! But we have established a long time ago that any such god must also be evil, so I guess that's alright. I mean, being omnipotent, omniscient, and on top of all that living forever (and a day) I think even I would get bored, and when one is bored one does stupid things to amuse oneself. Like throwing stones at birds, or crushing an ant, or kicking a cat.

Or, as we have seen, making someone eat you. Or, as we have also seen, making someone think lager is a better beverage than ale, all as a punishment for subsequently eating one's own creature who did absolutely nothing wrong. Or maybe it did. Or it would have, have I not eaten it. A double entendre, if ever there was one. Two flies with one strike, indeed. A sinner and a would be sinner at the same time. That mollusc god must be awfully proud of itself, the bastard. And I guess because I am not His creature I am also punished by having my mind messed with and wasting itself on molluscan theology. Which, in fact, only proves that a mollusc does indeed have a religion. It also proves that, as other religions, its one is also up to no good.

QED

PS
For those of you who started worrying for my mental well-being: don't worry, I have now returned to the fold, and am easing myself back with some nice Greene King IPA...